Big Barack Is Watching You

http://www.wouldyoudothatifbarackwaswatching.com/question.html

Be a little bit creeped out. Just mostly be amused. I just can't wait for the day when that feature appears on the official White House website.

Blago the Martyr

--> Governor Rod Blagojevich (D-IL) has been making the rounds in the media - press conferences, interviews, secretly-recorded phone calls with the FBI - in order to clear his name and foster public support in advance of his trial by the Illinois State Senate. His strategy seems to be playing brilliantly, because we all know that what Americans love most is a self-aggrandizing politician.


This certainly isn't the first time that a political figure has conjured up memories of trying times past in order to rally the country to his cause. President Obama has repeatedly referred to the Great Depression as a demonstration that Americans need to work together so that we can overcome the current crisis. Rudolph Giuliani can't go three words with mentioning the attacks of September 11th. So it seems predictable that Blagojevich would publicly compare his arrest to the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, explaining, "It was a complete surprise, completely unexpected. And just like the United States prevailed in that, we'll prevail in this."


In the governor's defense, there are several parallels. Firstly, U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald may be at least a tiny bit Japanese. In addition, there are reports that several thousand members of Blagojevich's family died of shame when the FBI arrived at his door to arrest the governor. And perhaps the corruption scandal of an Illinois governor will be just the spark that our federal government needs to finally invade Germany.

The governor continued to sound like a crazy person when he explained that the state legislature's sole purpose in impeaching him was to get him out of the way so that they could raise taxes: "The reason they're doing this is because they can't wait to get rid of me so they can raise taxes on the people of Illinois. This is as much about a tax increases as it is about anything else."

Well, no. I believe it's more about YOU TRYING TO SELL A UNITED STATES SENATE SEAT FOR MONEY THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

At this point, I had fears that Blagojevich couldn't get any more ridiculous, thus running my blog dry of material. How unfounded those worries seem...

On an interview on The Today Show this morning, Governor Blagojevich actually had the audacity (of hope?) to compare his battle for justice to those of Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr.. and Mahatma Gandhi.


As he was arrested, Blagojevich said, "I thought about Mandela, Dr. King and Gandhi and tried to put some perspective to all this and that is what I am doing now."At this point, I do truly hope that the governor takes a page out of Gandhi's book. Please, Governor, stop eating food.

Blagojevich also argued about the illegitimacy of the trial, claiming that he could summon up "15 angels and 20 saints led by Mother Theresa" to testify on his behalf and "it wouldn't matter." Now some may find it amazing that the Illinois State Legislature wouldn't listen to saints and angels, although to be fair, if you listened to the GOP Convention you would know that the legislature has already been home to The Messiah.

What actually amazes me about the comments is that Blagojevich apparently has the power to call forth the might of Heaven. Maybe all of this is why his lawyer quit.

Betrayal!

As the sun sets on this first day of the Obama Administration, I can't help but feel a little bit disappointed. When President Obama was sworn in, I had a few simple expectations, but sadly none of them have been met.

I haven't seen a single rainbow yet today!

There aren't chocolate lollipops blooming spontaneously from the ground!

The toothpaste isn't mintier!


The big Lincoln statue didn't come to life and carry the new President back to the White House.

The woodland creatures continue to simply growl at me when I ask for help washing dishes.

We don't even have a comfortable budget surplus yet!


No miracles! No massive legislative accomplishments! No naked parade of shame for former Bush staffers down Pennsylvania Avenue...or did I make that campaign promise up?

This isn't the change I could believe in. In fact, why is no one holding Obama accountable for the ten inaugural balls that he and Michelle will be attending?? Forget that it's traditional and that every president does it - if John McCain can lose votes because he owns lots of houses, can't the Obamas lose support because Michelle owns ten dresses? It's pretty much the same thing, right?

Get it in gear, Mr. President!

Sadness

Today's ceremonies, meant as a celebration of everything that the Democratic Party hopes to accomplish in the next few years, turned somber earlier today, as Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA), attending a congressional luncheon despite battling a brain tumor, had to be taken to a hospital with seizures. A party giant by anyone's assessment, Kennedy has been a lion of liberalism for decades in the U.S. Senate. President Obama followed him out of the room to check on him, while Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV), Kennedy's longtime friend and colleague, was so distraught about his friend's condition that he, too, had to leave the room.


Kennedy is reportedly "alert, awake, and undergoing assessment." We wish him a speedy recovery, because we will need him present to lead our fight in Congress.

Sabotage!

As President Obama was administered the Oath of Office this afternoon, Chief Justice John Roberts made a slip-up that may have signaled a desire to thwart this transition of power to a less conservative regime.

Obama, clearly having memorized the oath in advance, was thrown off when Roberts rearranged several words, asking Obama to repeat "that I will execute the office of President to the United States faithful" instead of "that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States." Obama appeared befuddled and indicated the need to repeat the phrase again.

Failing to state the entire oath clearly, a loud buzzer then went off at Obama's podium. Roberts then cited the infamous federal "Oops Law," dictating that President Obama had thus forfeited his right to be president, automatically ushering in another 4-year term for President Bush. As the audience groaned, Roberts was heard offering the Obama's a lovely parting gift, and kindly wishing them the best of luck trying again in 4 years. Bush then took "Constitutional Amendments" for 200.



John Roberts is secretly Alex Trebek.

For his part, Vice President Biden did a magnificent job repeating his oath perfectly. Of course, that's because he has been saying it to himself in a mirror every night before bed for 25 years. He just needed help remembering to throw in that tricky "vice."

Triumph!

And when President Obama removed his hand from the Lincoln Bible, he went up immediately from the crowd, and behold, the heavens were opened and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove, and alighting on him; and lo, a voice from heaven, saying, "This is my beloved President, with whom I am well pleased."

Or perhaps that was Wolf Blitzer's voice, who had the honor of interrupting John Williams' stirring composition, "Variations on a Star Wars Melody," and proclaiming that at noon, Eastern Standard Time, Barack Obama became the 44th President of the United States, as mandated by the Constitution regardless of any oath.


I must say, this feels really good. More insights on this day to follow...

Leaving Hurts You A Lot More Than It Hurts Me

Sith Lord/Out-going Vice-President Dick Cheney apparently pulled a muscle in his back while moving into his new home, and will be forced into a wheelchair for today's ceremony.

There are few things that make me happier than a member of this administration in pain, and I think it's just a tiny shred of justice, given the condition that they have left this country in.



Oh yeah, and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates will be somewhere at some point today with someone doing something. You know, just in case. Gotta love having one-day Secret Service protection and unrestricted military access (perfect time for a coup, eh?).


Happy Inauguration Day, everyone!

Will Things Ever Be the Same Again? IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!

Some guy once wrote, "Parting is such sweet sorrow." But Bush has probably never read Shakespeare, so I'll try a different route...

Bill Cosby once said, "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." President George W. Bush may have not been a success, but by this measurement he was certainly no failure.

Two wars, a massive budget deficit, disastrous international standing, a lasting realignment of the Supreme Court to the detriment of civil liberties, a drowned American city, irreparable damage done to the English language, a dramatic recession, a systematic effort to destroy the environment, Osama bin Laden still at large...who was he trying to please?

Truly this horse has been beaten to death. But it's an important lesson for the future of this nation: don't trust the future of our country to a guy who is advised by people like this:


President-elect Obama has a world of problems to face, and limited time to do it. He'll need all the luck and skill in the world to pull this nation of out of the hole that Bush dug for us (a hole that we watched him dig).

Tomorrow is a day of celebration, of renewal of purpose, and of rising to the challenges that lie ahead. Take at least a few of the next hours today to think about how we can never ever repeat the mistakes of the past 8 years.

Yogi Berra once said, "The future ain't what it used to be." Thanks to Bush's presidency, he is certainly right.

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner (But Not in a Racist Way)

During the campaign, a great deal of attention was paid to Barack Obama's pledge to meet with foreign leaders, even those of hostile nations. In the first presidential debate, Senator Obama explained, "Now, understand what this means, 'without preconditions.' It doesn't mean that you invite them over for tea one day. ... There's a difference between preconditions and preparation. Of course we've got to do preparations, starting with low-level diplomatic talks, and it may not work, because Iran is a rogue regime."


Well, tonight the President-Elect had his first chance to sit down with opposing leaders, forgoing "low-level diplomatic talks" and apparently more than tea was served.


Last night, Obama had dinner with several of the most prominent conservative columnists in the country. Hosted by Washington Post columnist George Will (yes, "THE George Will"), the dinner featured our terrorist-sympathizing, arugula-eating, terrorist fist-jabbing hero squaring off against Will, William Kristol and David Brooks of The New York Times (yes, they do employ a few token conservatives, seen below), and Charles Krauthammer of the Washington Post.


The guest list was not formalized, so it is unknown who else was there. More importantly, the menu was not released either; we may never know if arugula was served.


Now, if a meeting like this had occurred under the Bush Administration with critical members of the media, I would have had two theories:

A) It's a sting operation designed to set up members of the liberal media and give Bush an excuse to throw them in Gitmo.
B) I'm dreaming.

Regardless, I guarantee that every journalist would have left dinner with a clever, new nickname courtesy of their Commander-in-Chief.

Does this sort of meeting signal a more open presidency, one that will listen to opposing views and not merely toe the party line?


All I know is that, for many liberals, the idea of the President talking privately with conservative columnists may actually be more frightening than the idea of a one-on-one meeting with Ahmadinejad.

Alaskan Pitbull Bites the Hand That Mocks

No longer burdened by hanging out with Joe the Plumber or John the Senator, Governor Sarah Palin has spent her time preparing for her highly anticipated run for president in 2012. Of course, those doing the anticipating are the bloggers and left-wing media pundits eager to pounce on any number of gaffes that she is guaranteed to make.

However, preparation for a presidential run means that Palin has three years to reform her image from know-nothing to ...something. The only way to do that is to spend lots of quality time with her arch-nemesis: the press, explaining her version of what went wrong in 2008 and what she's learned.



In her latest edition of "It Wasn't My Fault," Palin lashed out at journalists, interviewers, and bloggers who took her remarks out of context and wouldn't take her at her word and instead demanded "medical evidence" and "facts."

Among her comments: "Bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie annoy me."

Was it something I said? Why would she single me out? I know she's talking about me because I'm pretty sure I'm the only person on the Internet who could possibly fit those three adjectives. Was it because I attacked her for saying that there were "real" parts of America? Was it because I mocked her regarding the bipartisan committee that concluded that she had abused her powers despite her repeated denials as well as her failed hockey appearance? Was it because I found her debate prep flow chart?


Palin further whined about the liberal media, defending her infamous Russia comment, "Even hard news sources, credible news sources — the comment about, you can see Russia from Alaska. You can! You can see Russia from Alaska. Something like that — a factual statement that was taken out of context and mocked — what you have to do is let that go."


I think the Governor might be missing the point. We all know that you can see Russia from a tiny part of Alaska. The point is that it doesn't matter - being able to see Russia from your state doesn't mean that you have foreign policy experience, and it certainly doesn't mean that you're ready to be Commander-in-Chief.


--> Thankfully, Palin's primary rival for the GOP nomination in 2012, Mike Huckabee, came to my defense, bluntly attacking the Alaskan Governor's interview skills and, more subtly, her intelligence:

"Now I must say I did not think that either the Charlie Gibson interview or the Katie Couric interviews were unfair. In fact, if anything, Katie Couric was extraordinarily gentle, even helpful. [Palin] just... I don't know what happened. I can't explain it. It was not a good interview. I'm being charitable."


There are a lot of Republican heavyweights who see Palin as an embarrassment to the party; many others see her as their champion who will lead the GOP into the 21st Century. I can't wait to see Republicans tear each other to shreds over an irrelevant, over-matched, non-contiguous governor.

At least McCain's daughter refused to get mixed up in the scuffle.

Change Comes to Minor League Baseball!

The Brooklyn Cyclones are getting a new look in honor of the next President of the United States.

For the night of June 23rd, the Mets minor league affiliate will celebrate "Inaugural Tuesday" (5 months late) in one of the most unique giveaway ever by a sports franchise. Among the highlights of the festivities:

--> The team will rename itself (for a night) the BARACKLYN CYCLONES and wear special red, white, and blue jerseys adorned with the new name.



--> The first 2,500 fans arriving at the stadium will be given a free Barack Obama bobblehead, featuring the president in a Baracklyn Cyclones jersey.


--> The team's "economic stimulus plan" will roll back ticket prices to what they were in 2001.

--> Promoting universal healthcare, the first 1,000 fans inside will receive free Band-Aids.

--> Anyone named Barack will get in for free. Anyone named McCain or Palin, in a gesture of "Bi-Partisan Consolation," will receive a free bleacher seat. Anyone named Joe who happens to work as a plumber will get two free tickets, one for him and one for a friend in order to "spread the wealth."

--> Finally, the Cyclones will offer fans a "clear-cut Exit Strategy;" all fans will receive American flags and discount coupons upon leaving the ballpark.


Now that's why they call it the American pasttime. I wish I had come up with all those puns, but amazingly the team's management was clever enough to create the ideas for this fantastic event all on its own.

Richardson: Facial Hair Would Have Saved Me!

Sadly, last week the Obama Administration lost its first member to scandal. Governor Bill Richardson withdrew as the presumptive Commerce Secretary, choosing instead to face ethics scrutiny at home instead of drawing a new president into his mess. The FBI, apparently on a corrupt Democrat bender, is investigating Richardson for a supposed pay-to-play scheme that allowed a wealthy donor to win a lucrative state contract.


It does certainly seem as if the FBI is focused on the Democratic Party right now after almost a decade of bringing to light tons of corrupt Republican schemes. Does this mean that the GOP has finally rid itself of corruption? ....Ha. My theory is that the FBI has taken it upon itself to become a 4th branch of government (apologies to Dick Cheney), acting as a check against whichever party happens to be in charge.

Obama regretted but accepted Richardson's sudden departure, especially since Richardson has a propensity for growing entertaining facial hair that Obama simply can't. By the way, the politics of beardliness is one of the more interesting topics out there, and one that might be applicable to this humble blogger if I were to someday run for something (perhaps the need to shave is itself a deterrent).


In fact, Richardson reportedly cited his lack of beardliness as the primary reason for his exit. Much as longtime New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner banned facial hair on his team, service for Obama seemed to also demand that Richardson shave his "I'm not running for President anymore" beard. Of course, much like with the Yankees, the move seems to have lowered team chemistry, ultimately leading to Richardson's falling out. Obama was reportedly heard screaming at Richardson as he left Washington, "I thought I told you to shave those sideburns!"


Best of luck to you, Governor. May you be proven innocent and not instead be forced to back your own party into a corner by appointing a legitimate Senate candidate who no one wants to allow in and who immediately turns the situation into a race war as the candidate stands in the pouring rain and carves his accomplishments presumptively onto his mausoleum, all while you give press conferences quoting dead poets all while declaring your innocence which contradicts concrete evidence supplied by the FBI... Damn it, I've been trying not to mention Blagojevich; the jokes are simply too easy and all the best ones have already been used by Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert (although if that was my normal standard for this blog, I simply wouldn't write at all).

A Tale of Three Chairmen - Democratic Leaders Have 33% Unemployment Rate

--> President-elect Barack Obama named a new chairman of the Democratic National Committee on Thursday, selecting former running-mate contender and current Virginia Governor Tim Kaine to lead the party into a new era. Kaine's appeal, both as a potential VP and now as fellow party leader, is that he shares Obama's "pragmatic progressive" ideology, a liberal at heart but one who acknowledges harsh economic/military realities. Kaine is also an energetic, young rising star of the party, and one that will hopefully be able to capitalize on Obama's successes and create a lasting Democratic Party movement.


--> In acknowledging Kaine's strengths, Obama paid tribute to the leadership of outgoing party chairman Howard Dean, whose 50-state strategy was instrumental in creating a Democratic majority in Congress, and which paved the way for Obama's large margin of victory in November. Oddly, Dean was not present at the ceremony, opting instead to visit American Samoa (obviously in an attempt to woo that crucial voting bloc).

For all that Obama has chosen to pursue and hire experienced Democratic leaders, the former Vermont governor has gone noticably snubbed. Passed over for a Cabinet post (Health and Human Services), an advisory position, or a party leadership position, Dean seems to have been left out in the cold (no pun intended on the God-forsaken winter wasteland that he represented for 12 years). Of course, this after he was the favorite for the Democratic Party presidential nomination for several months leading up to the 2004 race, but missed out on both the White House and a running mate slot. What could he have possibly done wrong?



Is he still being punished for that yell? Did one moment of excitement and enthusiasm, in an election year of Democratic candidates that made Dick Cheney look like James Brown, ruin Dean's political future? I certainly hope not. More likely, Dean simply didn't fit into Obama's plans, and gets some much deserved vacation time for a few years.


--> Or Dean could choose to take a more active route as a former DNC Chairman. Terry McAuliffe certainly isn't taking things lying down. After months of parading around cable news networks declaring Hillary Clinton's inevitable victory (even in the hours before she conceded), McAuliffe has chosen to apply his insurmountable confidence to his own political aspirations, announcing his intention to succeed Tim Kaine and become the next Governor of Virginia.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Terry McAuliffe

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

McAuliffe, deservingly known as a political figure who is quick to bluster and spout overconfidence, kicked off his campaign on Thursday, then declared victory this morning while urging his opponents to concede. McAuliffe's aides announced a planned swearing-in ceremony at the state capitol tomorrow afternoon, and bragged about McAuliffe's amazing (but impending) gubernatorial record of job creation, healthcare reform, and his incredible negotiation that led to a permanent solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. McAuliffe also guaranteed that he would be the starting shortstop for the Washington Nationals by 2014.


I truly do enjoy how circular all these paths are. Dean goes from governor of Vermont to presidential candidate to DNC chairman to unemployed; Kaine goes from governor of Virginia to DNC chairman; McAuliffe goes from DNC chairman to staffer for a presidential candidate to (potentially) governor of Virginia. I think I can discern their next moves: Dean needs to move to Virginia and then work for a presidential candidate; McAuliffe needs to run for President and then become a doctor; I think Kaine should try skiing...nah, this is too confusing.

The Doctor is In!

--> I must admit, President-elect Obama's (unannounced) choice of Dr. Sanjay Gupta as the next United States Surgeon-General has me atwitter. Gupta has a powerful public presence, having invited himself into Americans' living rooms for years as chief medical correspondent on CNN, and he brings to the job a wide range of expertise.


Gupta will apparently be tasked with helping HHS Secretary Daschle craft the administration's healthcare policy as Obama and his party prepare a major push towards universal healthcare. He also provides Obama with a very adept spokesperson who could appear on the news networks to promote White House policy.

However, Gupta's past might indicate that he will not instantaneously be a darling of the left. In 2006 he publicly opposed referenda in Colorado and Nevada that would have decriminalized small amounts of marijuana. He wrote, "I suspect that most of the people eager to vote yes on the new ballot measures aren't suffering from glaucoma, Alzheimer's or chemo-induced nausea. Many of them just want to get stoned legally. That's why I, like many other doctors, am unimpressed with the proposed legislation, which would legalize marijuana irrespective of any medical condition." Interestingly, he also mentions that smoking pot should be banned because of its health risks. Does that suggest a ban on smoking might be next? What about alcohol? Video games? Michael Bay movies?

Speaking of movies, Gupta's most notable public controversy to date was his heated battle with filmmaker Michael Moore, as Gupta accused (erroneously, I might add) Moore of fudging facts in his healthcare documentary, Sicko.



Gupta later apologized for having gotten his facts wrong, but his hostility towards Moore's pro-universal healthcare agenda might be grounds for some concern by Democrats.

Paul Krugman raised the issue as cause for worry about Gupta in an editorial for the New York Times on Tuesday.

Personally, I don't think it matters. If Gupta was being appointed film critic-general, then maybe I would take issue with his treatment of Sicko. But criticism of Michael Moore is hardly a good enough reason to disqualify someone from government service - attacking him is sadly almost a national pasttime. I'll simply have to hope that Gupta was merely outside of his element, reporting on movie ethics and not actually criticizing Moore's position on healthcare reform.

Clowns to the Left, Jokers to the Right - Hannity Returns and So Do I!

Sorry for the delay, folks. I was planning on setting up a satellite office for this blog in Tel Aviv, but it fell through due to an unscheduled ground invasion/portent of the apocalypse. Back to work here in the U.S. of A.


--> I know that my readership, all of whom are devoted followers of FOX News programming, has felt lost and confused during the past couple of weeks as both of their most compelling news sources suddenly disappeared. While I took a short hiatus, pundit-extraordinaire Sean Hannity, seen here getting verbally pummeled by incoming White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, also went off the air, recovering from the sudden, tragic departure of long-time colleague and human punching bag Alan Colmes. Colmes represented the "left" perspective on Hannity & Colmes, which is roughly the same as having Herbert Hoover represent the fascist movement at a Communist Party congress - it doesn't make sense and accomplishes nothing because no one cares what he has to say. Colmes' departure was lovingly by Hall & Oates and the Daily Show team:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Hall & Oates Pay Tribute to Alan Colmes

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Hannity returns to the air on Monday no longer constrained by being required to offer multiple perspectives. The remodeled show will feature a panel called the "Great American Panel," the name appropriately reflecting FOX's massive superiority complex. The first episode will feature three professional, moderate voices:

Representing the Left: Reverend Al Sharpton, most recently seen pouting that Obama gets to be the first black president and not him.

Representing the Right: Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann (R-MN), most recently seen channeling Joe McCarthy and demanding an investigation into her colleagues who are potentially "un-American."

Representing the Middle: Meat Loaf, most recently seen admonishing a prepubescent Jack Black in the opening scene of the Tenacious D movie.


Apparently, Hannity expects Meat Loaf to talk about politics. He'd be better off with meatloaf as his third panelist.

You won't want to miss this. And yes, you can count this as the first time that this blog (or this blogger) has ever positively endorsed FOX News programming.